Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I want you more than these girls want KFC
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
