my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
