no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
