Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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