I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
