Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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