Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
