No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
