My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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