Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
