dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
