There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
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Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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