i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I look better un-naked...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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