Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Im part way to drunk.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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