He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
