The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
