This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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