Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
