Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
