The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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