DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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