My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
