what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Randomize
