saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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