her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
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surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
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I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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