I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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