Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
