last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
