It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
