I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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