tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
