i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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