All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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