If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
We need to rekindle our bromance
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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