Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
