dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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