i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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