She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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