I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
