that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
