felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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