singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i think i have two assholes
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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