if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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