Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
