is your mom at the bar?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
