So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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