i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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