I think I died a long time ago.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
