I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
