You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
