I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
