My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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