Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You ruined the universe
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
