he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
there is glitter all over my balls
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