I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
