you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
