I think I won the penis lottery.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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