It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
