My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
