She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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